Friendship from a young girl’s perspective | Episode 005

Friendship from a young girl’s perspective | Episode 005

 

In this episode I have a very special guest. I’m having a conversation with my daughter about developing friendships. The reason I wanted to bring my daughter on is because she is 13 years old. For so many of us we have forgotten just how easy it was for us to develop friendships when we were at that young age. Maybe we can remember or learn something from Cecelia today as we see friendship through the eyes of a 13 year old.

Podcast Transcription

I have a very special guest for you today. This guest is the most awesome person I know and we are going to be discussing the elements of developing a friendship, early in life. This guest takes my heart every single day. Why? because this is my daughter. I’m going to have a conversation with her about developing friendships and the reason why I wanted to bring her on, her name is Cecelia and because she is 13 years old and for so many of us we have forgotten just how easy it was for us to develop friendships when we were at that young age and maybe we can learn something from Cecelia today as we see friendship through the eyes of a 13 year old.

Cecelia is very fortunate to have a lot of friends, some of them she met at school, some of them she met at gymnastics. She has had a lot of friends from different stages in life but these friends don’t know each other. She has two sets of friends – one from school and another from gymnastics.

At school, they can talk at lunch and sometimes if they finish something in class or they get time to talk then they can talk. Sometimes, they talk about the assignment they had just finished or questions they did not get or something like that.

Last year, she had a lot more of her friends in her class in lunch but this year she doesn’t have as much friends in lunch but she still has friends in lunch. She has two different set of friends in school. It is not hard to decide who is going to be her friend but sometimes it is like when people ask you to go to their house or something, It is hard to decide whose house you are going to because you do not want to hurt their feelings by saying you cannot go even though you want to go to their house. You want to go to both their houses but you just don’t want any of them to be sad because you could not come and you also want to be with both of them. Her friends know that they are important to her so much so, that they take her feelings into consideration. They care about Cecelia’s feelings too.

Just this year alone, she has been to 3 or 4 bar mitzvahs which makes her very happy. Her friends always seem to be very happy whenever Cecelia shows up to their celebrations and parties.

When I ask her what she understands from hearing the word, clique, she shares that in movies it is a group of people who act the same. It is like stereotypical and it is just people who act the same and they are all friends. She adds that in movies, cliques are not portrayed positively because they can exclude people because they are all the same, they act the same which is something she never sees herself being a part of because she doesn’t act the same the whole time. She doesn’t act like how the groups are. It is like the music people, the goth people, the popular people in movies. She is not just one thing and she has a lot of friends that are different.

She sees herself as one who can make friends with people who have different interests. Being flexible and friendly comes easy for her. It is simply just being nice to people in order to make friends. She has never met a girl at school that after she got to know her, she decided she doesn’t want to become friends with that girl. She pretty much wanted to be friends with everybody she met. She adds that pretty much everyone she meets is really nice so it is easier for her to be friends with them. Having a ton of friends, she expects for it to be the same when she gets to high school and college.

She has a very positive outlook on life. If she were to try to help someone to understand how easy it is to make friends, she would tell them to just talk to someone and just be nice and then you just might become friends, you might talk more and you might like each other and you might become really good friends.

She sees herself as the kind of person who tries to be friends to someone who does not have any friends. She remembers this one time when she saw someone in science class the previous year who did not have a partner for an activity so she and her partner decided to approach her to let her join because they both felt sad that she did not have anyone to work with. They were confident that when they approached that classmate, that she would not turn down their offer. They just figured that if they went and offered friendship, it would be received.

Oppositely, she doesn’t think that it is easy for adults to have friends because she thinks that it depends on the person. Some people may be nicer and people just don’t really want to talk to people and they are not as nice. The expectation with friendship is that talking communicates niceness at the same time, if a person does not talk much it also does not mean that that person is not nice, they just might be shy and some people, they don’t really talk to other people and they talk to their friends and they are super fun. Just a person does not talk much does not mean that they are not as nice.

Cecelia has given us a look into friendship for a 13 year old and what it looks like to me is that it is very easy to get new friends. I think about when she is in her gymnastics class and the other girls on her team with her and one of the things I notice is that every single time all of them compete at an event, they all give each other high-fives, they congratulate each other, they’re not really told to do that but when you first see people, when you first get on a team and you see a bunch of people and everyone is supportive when you go to a meet, you are cheering for everyone and at practice you are cheering for everyone because you are teammates and you want them to do really good.

As a team, they are still able to be friends because they want to cheer each other on but even if they find themselves competing with one another, with somebody from the same team, they still cheer them on.

She has a friend that she met in kindergarten who later went to another school. Her name is Hannah. They have been friends for years and she does not even go to the same school. They have been able to maintain their friendship by constant communication. It feels like every single time they see each other since they cannot see each other that often because of school and stuff then it is like more memorable and it is really fun and they talk a lot. Hannah also comes over almost every other weekend and that helps because they decided to be intentional about maintaining their friendship.

That was my conversation with my daughter as she shared what it is like developing friendships at 13. Do you remember what it was like being 13 years old and developing friendships, how easy it was for you? One of the things that Cecelia shared is just that there was no fear, no hesitation in her mind or in her other friends’ mind about approaching someone to be friendly and kind. Maybe we should learn something from that as adult women in terms of developing friendships, somewhere along the way so many sisters have lost their sense of innocence in terms of just being the first one to act and be supportive of another female. Be a friend to go over and say hi and just develop that friendship. I think that is something that is a treasure we might want to go back and cultivate as we have moved from childhood into adulthood and it seems that so few opportunities are available to us and that the competition maybe it is a false competition, maybe it is a real one but that just seems like the competition with women makes difficult to develop new friendships but I think that if we take the sincere approach of what we used to have as young girls and just reach out. We can develop new relationships or at the very least enhance the ones we have with our sister-friends. Here is your call to action. If you have young people in your life, maybe it is your niece, nephew, your daughter. Not nephew, what am I thinking, your niece, your daughter, your cousin or maybe a young person in your social group. Try sitting down with them and asking them about their friendships. Ask them how easy it is for them to develop friendships at school and various places where they spend their time with their sporting activities and see if they have any good friends because too many times even young girls don’t have friends so we actually have to work at helping them to facilitate that process. Thank you so much for taking that call to action. Make a difference in a young girl’s life and help her develop a better friendship with her sister friends so that as she grows older she will have those skills in the years to come.

 

Yes, you can quote our “Pearls of Wisdom”

Just talk to someone and just be nice and then you might become friends – Cecelia II 

Talking can communicates niceness – Cecelia GreeneBarr 

Just because a person does not talk a lot does not mean that they are not nice. – Cecelia GreeneBarr 

There should be no fear, no hesitation in our minds about approaching someone when seeking to be friendly and kind. – Cecelia GreeneBarr

Be the first one to act and be supportive of another female. – Cecelia GreeneBarr

If we take the sincere approach of what we used to have as young girls and just reach out, we can develop new relationships or at the very least enhance the ones we have. – Cecelia GreeneBarr

 

 

Call To Action:

If you have young people in your life, maybe it is your niece, nephew, your daughter. Not nephew, what am I thinking, your niece, your daughter, your cousin or maybe a young person in your social group. Try sitting down with them and asking them about their friendships. Ask them how easy it is for them to develop friendships at school and various places where they spend their time with their sporting activities and see if they have any good friends because too many times even young girls don’t have friends so we actually have to work at helping them to facilitate that process.

Link

Cecelia GreeneBarr Official Facebook Page – www.facebook.com/drgreenebarr

 

Why it’s important to maintain friendships throughout life | Episode 004

Why it’s important to maintain friendships throughout life | Episode 004

Why it's important to maintain friendships throughout life

In this episode I’m talking about keeping our girlfriends, our sister friends as we age and how maintaining these relationships require investment on our part.

Podcast Transcription

This episode is about keeping our girlfriends, our sister friends as we age. This thought came to me as I was reading some things online and I came across an article on The Huffington Post and it was entitled, “Why Women Need Their Girlfriends written Kari Kampis and in this particular article, she talked about being at the beach and she saw some ladies, some sister-girls, they were obviously together on vacation. She could tell by the way they were all hanging out and they were just laughing and they were talking but these were not college kids on spring break. She noticed that these were women who were older and they were on vacation together, they were clearly not relatives, these were friends.

She talked about some relevant aspects about how relationships change over the years but if you’re able to keep your friendships from down through the years, how it helps you through these transitions in life and so I thought about that article and I then immediately started reflecting on my Aunt Pearl who lives in Philadelphia and one of the things that I really have a great memory of, is her next-door neighbor and we called her Ms. Jerry. And so every single morning after Aunt Pearl had her first cup of coffee with Pat, which was the oldest daughter. After Pat would come over every single morning to have coffee with Aunt Pearl and they would sit and talk and after Pat would leave, Aunt Pearl would have another cup of coffee and she would come out and sit on her front porch and Ms. Jerry would come out and she would sit on her step and they would just sit there and talk. Ms. Jerry was older than my aunt and so Ms. Jerry’s children, perhaps many of them were older than my aunt’s children but they would just sit and talk over the years, after being neighbors for so many years, Ms. Jerry was almost the spy. If we were acting up in the neighborhood or up and down the street and Aunt Pearl was cooking in the kitchen, Ms. Jerry would tell. That’s how it was but Ms. Jerry and my aunt became really good friends and even as they aged, now they didn’t take girl trips. I don’t know if my aunt ever took a girl trip. I don’t think she ever did but her front porch was as close to a girl trip that I ever have any memories of my aunt but that friendship sustained my aunt through the years from when my father passed and as my aunt lost her children and they were able to maintain friendships for many, many decades.

As I think about my own family relationships, my aunt and as I look at my relationships with my friends, I still have friends from elementary school and junior high and high school and college and graduate school. My husband says I hold on to friends but in this day and time, I agree that it is really valuable to be able to maintain close relationships.

You might not feel that way because it might just be completely different with you. I do know women who are of the mindset that they wanted to grow up and get married, have their children and have their dream life, and they are living that life and they are fulfilled. Every emotional, social need that they have is being met by their husband and their children. They have siblings, they have their parents, their cousins and so for a lot of women, they absolutely have no need for any one outside of their household and their family structure

When I think about my aunt and her friend, Ms. Jerry, when I think about the ability to, even in the times were I just don’t feel like explaining my personality but I want to jump into my circumstances, its the people who have been in my life for years and years, I just find that to be valuable.

So then, lets fast forward beyond being in your early 20s and fast forward beyond after who you pick to be your bridesmaids if you happen to be married or fast forward beyond that first job celebration or whatever the milestones are in your life and lets think about getting older.

So when you begin to think about getting older, the question becomes how do you keep your girlfriends, your sister girls in your life as you all age? Well, in the article, the author did write some things that I thought were really important. She said to have a great friend you need to first be a great friend. Well, for those of us who are biblically inclined, we know that’s what the word of the Lord says, in order to have a friend, you must first show yourself friendly but its not just friendly for life-long, you really need to be a great friend and sometimes you don’t know how to be a great friend, I remember my very first friend that I made outside of college. I had travelled to a new city to take my first job after graduating from college and this was my first friend that wasn’t connected to family, wasn’t connected to school. We didn’t even work for the same company. We actually happened to be neighbors. My apartment was on top of her apartment and we both happened to be from the east coast and she was my first friend that had no connection to my neighborhood, my childhood friends, all of those things and so we didn’t work together. We were not in the same profession and so we had to figure out how we were going to become friends and we had to figure out how to be a good friend and you can be a good friend when you are in your early 20s but to maintain and to keep those friendships down through the years, you have to figure out how to be a good friend as your friend’s life is changing and especially if your life isn’t changing at the same pace and so I think about that.

I don’t know about you but I have had some friends that have been a great friend too, it just came naturally. It seem like I knew what to do or maybe what I did was acceptable. It was good but then on the other hand, i’ve had experiences where I did not know how to be the kind of friend that my friend wanted me to be and so, we maintained friendships but they did not get stronger and as the years have gone on, we’re still polite. It does take some work to learn how to be a good friend to someone so that you can keep that friendship through the years and you and I both know that our expectations of our friends, they change and evolve as we change and we evolve.

The other thing the article mentioned was that, if you are going to keep your friends as you age, you have to learn how to invest in your friends, now, I want to share the story with you like now, at least everyone that I know owns the cellphone but when I graduated from college and set-up my home and that was during the time period, if you made a long distance telephone call we we’re charged by the minute, the person who initiated the call had to pay for the call and we paid by the minute and so you actually had to be very intentional about your telephone calls to people outside of your area code and so that became a sticking point because either you we’re going to write your friends a letter, send your friends a card or take that plunge and put some money in it. Making an investment in it and I had memories of being the one who would pick-up the phone and investment, financially in the friendship, which I didn’t mind doing but after awhile, it became less pleasing.

I just had this one friend, if we were going to talk, I had to call her. I always had to make the investment, if we we’re going to hang out, I always had to put the miles on my car to drive where she lived. So maybe some of this know how that is and after awhile I just began to feel like this friendship that we had since we we’re in the third grade seems to be more important to me than it was to her because I was making all of the investment after a while whether your situation was something like my own or yours is a little different, you recognize the fact that your sister girlfriend relationships, like anything else that’s important to you requires investment. It might be financial investment, it might be time investment, certainly emotionally, you need to invest but there is some investment that is necessary in order to keep your friends as you age because you can go a year or two in a friendship and make no investment but receive the benefit the of somebody else’s investment but that’s not the kind of behavior that’s going to grant to you a close sister friendship down through the years. It’s just not because nobody wants to feel taken advantage of.

I’m not saying I always have gotten this right but I did try and I think about the times when my friends called me to ask and they would say hey, I haven’t heard from you, I think you need to do x,y and z and once it was brought to my attention because the friendship matter, I really put the effort in to try to be better. We were all socially raised in different types of environment and some family structures are very social and they teach their children how to interact and people breeze through this. They just breeze through it but then you have other people who, they did not grow up like that and they are very socially awkward. They’re just awkward and they need some gentle nudging along the way to teach them how to be a good friend. They’re not bad people, they’re just awkward.

We’re not going to stay young as long as we have the benefit of waking up another day and taking another breath. My aunt, she’s a lot older now, and actually I think all of my aunt’s friends are now deceased. And so now, she’s simply has her remaining children who are alive, she has me, she has her grandchildren, great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren and this is the community that’s spends time with her. My aunt was not of that age bracket that shared their secrets with their children. So whatever secrets or things that are on her heart, they just live on her heart and the only things that she shares with us are things that are pertaining to her health and our lives. My aunt’s life is now centered around those who have known her but not as a friend. I love my aunt and she’s been much like a mother but I would never say she’s my friend only because that’s just not her generation but I look at her and I think about aging and I think about my friends and my hope and desire is that our friendship will be able to last down through the years.

I remember one of my friends from elementary school, she asked me to be her first child’s godmother. That child is now grown and married. It doesn’t take long for the years to go by but i’ll tell you the truth, the thought of aging and then looking over at your friends and seeing how they have embraced life and family and yet you still have your friends. I imagine turning 60 and having my girlfriends, it is my imagination that I would be able to open my eyes at 80 and see people around me who I have known for decades and decades and if that’s your imagination and your dream for your life, so in order for that to happen to me and in order for that to happen for you, that means that we have to make sure that we are being a friend on a regular basis and if you don’t know how to be a friend in the current stages of your friend’s life, the best thing to do is ask. Just be transparent. Say, “listen I’m not sure how to support you right now, I’m not sure how to show my friendship to you right now but since it is my heart’s desire to support you, to be here for you, to be that good friend, just tell me and i’ll do it. Make that kind of effort to be that kind of friend to your friends and then the other thing which I do believe is quite valuable, invest in your friends.

When people hear that word invest, they think money. We think money and while money is a part of it, it’s not the total picture. Before I owned a smart phone, I used to do it old school, I would get a piece of paper and I would buy the month, I would write down on a sheet of paper, all of my friends’ birthdays, their anniversaries and whatever dates I thought were significant in their life and when their birthdays are approaching, a week before, 7 days ahead, I would go to the store and buy a card for them, put a stamp on it and put it on the mail and then on their birthday, I will call and say happy birthday and more times than none, I would even sing a verse and after a while, they we’re never surprised because they could count on me to do it, but it seem like they really did appreciate. When smartphones came along and I transitioned over to the smart phone and took all that data and put it on my phone, I did it so that I could remember to make that investment of a trip to the store to get a card, make the investment of calling them, make the investment of reaching out. It was intentional but I invested my intentions because I wanted them to know I was thinking about them and I wanted them to know that I celebrated their life.

You can find some ways to invest in the life of your friend. Now, I’d tell you the truth. I was doing better when I wrote those dates down than I now do with stuff in my calendar because I have too many notifications in my calendar for too many different things. Sometimes I don’t invest well but it’s not for lack of trying and that’s what we need to do. I think sometimes people who are close to us appreciate the effort. As long as we keep waking up and drawing breath, we’re going to get older and its something that you don’t want to think about in your younger years but imagine your seventieth birthday party. Who do you want around the table to help you blow out the candles? Wouldn’t you love it if you had people around the table who were not new to your life, not just all the new people but some people who were around you when you were young. When you were discovering what life was going to be like and then when you get the harsh reality that that was all a fantasy and this is what its really like to have a job. So, we have to work on keeping our girlfriends as we age.

Here’s your call to action, invest in a calendar where you write down your sister friends’ birthdays and the one day that is most important to her. Just ask her what’s the most important day in your life? It might be the day she became a mother. It might be the day she passed the bar exam. It might be the day that she finally learned how to overcome her fear of swimming. Listen, whatever the day is, its the most important day to her. Ask her what it is, put it down on your calendar and make sure that every single year, you jump into that day with her and help her celebrate it. She will appreciate the fact that you have shown yourself to be a friend and also you have invested in the friendship. She’ll appreciate it and you will too because when you both get older and you look around, you will have somebody at the table who has known you for many, many years.

We have, been talking, listening and thinking about keeping our girlfriends as we age. We will age. How many years will we get? Only the Lord knows but however they are, we want to be able to keep some people in our lives who have known us for many years. If you really value the people in your life, you need to invest in them and be more than a relative, be a friend. You don’t pick your relatives, you pick your friends but relatives can become friends, so be more than a relative, be a friend and make the investment so that as you age, you don’t just see each other at family reunions but you age as friends.

Thank you for taking this call to action and writing down your list and holding it safe in your heart and just tell your close friend, your relative about the podcast and why you we’re asking the question. Don’t be ashamed if you don’t know the birthday. You know how some of us, we don’t realize that the birthday is past and we see it on social media and we are like happy belated birthday, I was so busy, I didn’t reach you when the truth is you just forgot what the date is. I mean, come on it happens to everybody but just tell them.

 

Yes, you can quote our “Pearls of Wisdom”

It is valuable to be able to maintain close relationships. –Cecelia GreeneBarr

To have a great friend you need to first be a great friend. –Cecelia GreeneBarr

To maintain and to keep those friendships down through the years, you have to figure out how to be a good friend as your friend’s life is changing. –Cecelia GreeneBarr

It takes some work to learn how to be a good friend to someone so that you can keep that friendship through the years. –Cecelia GreeneBarr

If you are going to keep your friends as you age, you have to learn how to invest in your friends – –Kari Kampakis

Your sister-girlfriend relationships like anything else that is important to you requires investment. –Cecelia GreeneBarr

 

CALL TO ACTION:
Invest in a calendar where you write down your sister friends’ birthdays and the one day that is most important to her. Ask her what it is, put it down on your calendar and make sure that every single year, you jump into that day with her and help her celebrate it.

 

REFERENCE ARTICLE: Why Women Need Their Girlfriends by Kari Kampakis (The Huffington Post)

 

Mothers & Daughters as Sister Friends w/ Kanice Johns | Episode 003

Mothers & Daughters as Sister Friends w/ Kanice Johns | Episode 003

Mothers & daughters as sister friends

I am delighted about this episode with Kanice Johns. She has an awesome story to share about the emergence of sister-friendships in unexpected places. There are some moments that you’re going to need some Kleenex to catch those tears because I think it will really open up some eyes about sisterhoods that can develop in places where in times past, you just never thought it would be that way.

 

Podcast Transcription

I am delighted about this episode with Kanice Johns. She has an awesome story to share about the emergence of sister-friendships in unexpected. I think this episode will really open up some eyes about sisterhoods that can develop in places where in times past, you just never thought it would be that way.

Kanice is a mother of five – 3 adult children, her oldest of which is a boy who is now 32 years old and 2 teenagers, one of which is away at college. She is a grandmother of 4. She is bi-vocational – working as a mobile therapist at a behavior specialist consultancy and she pastors at a church as well.

Being a mother of 4 girls, that is a lot of estrogen to deal with in the house. She has had a lot of experiences with trying to work through friendships and then also helping her daughters as they grew up, working through their own friendship relationships. She has had best friends for seasons. Up until her late teens, her father had them move every 3 years. She was able to still make friends but as soon as they got close, it was time again for them to move. She remembers her bestie is even her son’s godmother.

Her earliest memory of a bestie was with her son’s godmother. They would go on hikes for miles and treating themselves to fastfood along the way. Both of them are avid fans of fastfood and it was great because they were able to do it, just the two of them. Her name Kanice and her bestie’s name was Denise, so that in itself was already a connection. They were both tall and skinny. Denise had confidence that was very admirable to her, that she wanted to always be around Denise.

She shared that Denise worked in one of the towers that was hit by the 9/11 bombings. She and her colleagues survived the bombings but there were probably some particles in the air that caused various forms of cancer and that caused them to pass on.

With best friends, you don’t have to talk to them everyday. You could talk to them once a year and act like no time has passed. They knew each other’s relationships issues, she was her son’s god mother so, she kept her abreast of his life challenges, she was there at his graduation for high school.

over the years, they moved every few years because of her dad’s employment, she was in a new place every few years trying to make new friends. While trying to make friends, she said she did not looked for anything in particular because ironically, for that season she spent a lot of time with them, she shared secrets but when that season was over due to moving or some other incident of life change, it was okay. Ironically, her permanent best friend was her mother and now her daughters.

She now shares everything with her daughters. All of their frustrations and happy things. She turned out to be her mother’s bestfriend until her passing but then her daughters took that place and they’re very, very close.

It is an interesting dynamic to be best friends with your children because you hear a lot of discussions about those boundaries and how close can you come to the boundary in respecting the distance between parent and child and if the boundary line gets thinner as the child gets older and as the children become adults they become more lenient in those relationships and then, a true friendship develops.

It was after her mother’s passing that she allowed her daughters to become her best friends because I had gotten to a point where she shared everything confidentially with them and as her father had to deal with his transition into retirement, her mother needed a confidant and then she became that person to her mother.

So, as a result when her mother transitioned, she was trying to figure all of those things out and she didn’t have anybody to share their secrets with and in grief, she shared some of them with her daughters and they kept the same confidence that her mother kept and so we have had difficult conversations, one daughter is in the process of divorce.

Her mother had life long friends, one of her best friends is still living but the ministry part of her father’s profession, she couldn’t share some of those difficulties, and that’s when her mother shared them with her, specially as she had begun pastoring and having some similar experiences, that’s when they really became confidants. it is the family that you can lean on and know that that’s a safe place.

When I talk about sisterhood, we have these levels. these perimeters around our heart and you know, colleagues, they are way out there because they are just colleagues. We are cordial to the colleagues, we’re professional but they are distant from our heart, sisters will be closer than friends. They are the ones that you can just bare your soul and you know you’ve placed it in strong hands which is what her daughters are to her.

She has sisters who are loved dearly, who she can share confidence with but the closest to her, who really know her heart and understand her heart and strengthen her heart are her daughters. She did not have to raise her daughters to know her like that.

She wishes she had more time to see the women in her congregation whose souls are lonely because they don’t share a close sister relationship and to also give them more of herself because it is so hurtful to see those who are struggling with loneliness and she feels badly for those who do not have the advantage that she has with her daughters.

She tries to give up herself to fill that need and at the same time help them to nurture and develop friendships in their lives.

She has done things like a women’s fellowship, develop confidence circles to try to encourage them to share and build those relationships with one another.

She done things like doing a women’s fellowship, develop confidence circles to try encourage them to share and build those relationships with one another. She tries to do things with the goal to build those kinds of relationships that would encourage them to communicate and love and embrace one another.

Carefully build friendships and relationships with others. See where you have calm and bonds because there are some out there. sometimes people hurt each other not because they intentionally do it but primarily because they don’t really know any better, they haven’t had relationships that are building and lifting and encouraging so if you share that kind of love and encouragement with others, you will receive it back.

I can honestly say that out of all my friends, none of them experiences that kind of shifting in a relationship like Kanice has described, with all my friends from elementary school and all the way through college, their mothers always held the line.

Her mother’s transition from active ministry to retirement because she worked along with my father, she was building the school while he was building the church and when he retired all of those relationships changed.

The best lesson she learned from her mother as it relates to managing relationships that are work-centered was that her mother knew how to put the big rocks in the jar first. She always put the important things like her family on top of her list and she knew how to value those relationships with them. Her mother taught her how to put priorities in the people that we love.

This was a wonderful lesson to see lived out so that we would have an example in front of us to help us as we raised our children and then as our children are raising our grandchildren.

Being our mother or our daughters’ best friend is a different paradigm for so many of us and perhaps my sister, you are finding yourself in those seasonal relationships and you are looking for some safe place and you have been wondering whether or not it would work for you to embrace your adult daughters as your BFF or if you’re now looking at your mom and she needs a BFF, I think some of the things that Kanice shared with you today might help you in that regard. I’m very thankful that Kanice shared her heart and her story with us, her testimony with us. Here’s your call to action: sit back for a moment and think about your relationship with the women in your family and see if those women could possibly become the best friend that you have wanted in your life and if there’s the possibility try to sit down and have that heartwarming conversation with them to see can we be bestfriends, you might be surprised, you might have a bestfriend right there in the family.

Yes,  you can quote our “Pearls of Wisdom”

In ministry, it is the family that you can lean upon knowing that it’s a safe place. – Cecelia GreeneBarr

Build the kind of relationships that would encourage you to communicate and love and embrace one another.Kanice Johns

Carefully build friendships and relationships with others. Kanice Johns

Sometimes people hurt each other not because they intentionally do it but primarily because they don’t really know any better. – Kanice Johns

If you share love and encouragement with others, you will receive it back. – Kanice Johns

Call To Action:

  • Sit back for a moment and think about your relationship with the women in your family and see if those women could possibly become the best friend that you have wanted in your life and if there’s the possibility try to sit down and have that heartwarming conversation with them

Links

Cecelia GreeneBarr – www.ceceliagreenebarr.com
Kanice John’s Facebook Page – www.facebook.com/kanice.johns

Should Sisters Invoice One Another w/ Crystal Wright | Episode 002

Should sisters invoice on another for services provided?

Welcome to Episode 002 of Building A Better Sisterhood with me your host, Cecelia GreeneBarr. This episode’s interview is going to be very enjoyable. I have the pleasure of interviewing the fabulous, Ms. Crystal Wright. She has a brilliant career that is quite expansive and in the midst of all of that, she has been able to maintain an awesome relationship with her BFF from childhood. At the center of our conversation, we will be talking about whether BFFs/best friends/sister friends should invoice one another when we are sharing our skillset and our profession with one another.

Podcast Transcription

For this episode, I have the pleasure of interviewing the fabulous, Ms. Crystal Wright. She has a brilliant career that is quite expansive and in the midst of all that she has been able to maintain an awesome relationship with her bestie from childhood. At the center of our conversation, we would be talking about whether besties/sister-girlfriends should invoice one another when sharing their skills and profession with one another.

As Crystal shares, she has a bestie named Arvella Williams Roberts and she calls her Alibaba ever since they were in junior high or high school and she in turn calls Crystal, Cookie. Ever since March when she moved back to Washington, they decided to be intentional with their friendship. They started a “Besties’ Breakfst Club” where they have take turn deciding where to have breakfast every Monday. Both of them like to take selfies and videos especially from places they go so, they have been journaling their friendship while maintaining and being intentional about their sisterhood.

During the week, while both of them are busy, they try to have conversations as much as possible. Twice or three times in a week, she’ll give Alibaba a call or they Face Time each other. Now, that both of them are older they talk more often especially now that both of them are on the same coast.

Crystal adds that Alibaba is the only person in her life that has that kind of relationship with her. She has other friends that she is close with, she has another girl friend who lives in Tacoma, she adds, but their relationship is not the same because that friend is not as positive a person unlike Alibaba who is like my sister from another mother.

Both of them are from different professions but interestingly enough, Crystal represented make-up artists, hair and fashion stylists, manicures and photographers for the last 32 years but in the last 20 years, Alibaba has become a Mary Kay sales person.

We continue the conversation as I open the topic about sister-friends invoicing one another. My bestie and I talk about this a lot because both of us are in the same profession and we started talking about how money can mess up relationships and I wanted to ask Crystal because I knew that she was in the business of teaching clients how to get paid. She goes on to share that both of them talk and help each other but have never asked each other for any of their products. They support each other by offering to pay for each other’s products and never expecting for it to be given for free. It may not seem like a big deal to other people, but for me it is quite a big deal. You just don’t go around asking people, your sister-friends to give their expertise to you for free, you should offer to pay them.

What she shared makes me think differently and the reason it makes me think differently is because of the profession that I am in. No one ever feels like we should be ever be paid for anything. Whatever we do when we are working in our profession, people expect us to do what we do and to make a decision to charge for our time, almost cuts against the grain of training I have received from my mentor. I will be receiving a call from someone and we are having a conversation and before I know it, things have begun to shift, I no longer am having a conversation with them but instead I have begun ministering to them, giving them prophetic insights, and I am legitimately working but have never thought to invoice them for 15 minutes of my time at such and such rate or whatever rate I value my time to be. But if like for what Crystal does, since she’s consulting, people expect you to pay. No one expects to go see their physician and not expect to pay but when it comes to what I do, no one expects to pay and they look at you kind of sideways.

She thinks that this mentality is ingrained in the African-American community. Many of us grew up not paying for services to begin with. We don’t pay for advice, what we want is the hook-up. It is like going into the general market and that community rarely calls us up to ask us advice without offering to pay for our time. We need to realize that we should not give away our time as free when it really needs to be paid.

I remember when I was new at the church where I pastor now, where a young lady came up to me for counseling. While I was sitting there, listening to her, I heard the Holy Spirit told me to ask her if she was a member of our church and it turns out that she was a member of another church. I told her to go to her church and have the pastor there counsel her, which upset the people from the congregation and got backlashed for that.

And so let us think about this whole bartering system. People barter all the time and I think sometimes sisters, girls, girlfriends, bffs barter maybe subconsciously. Whatever system you and your friends come up with, will work but Crystal believes in putting ground rules. So, you need to do your research in order to come up with the system that benefits both parties but the thing is people are afraid to talk about money and finances. And the thing is you can’t be a leader if you are afraid to have a tough conversation , if you’re going to lead, then you have to be able to have tough conversations and this might be one of them but trust me when all of the details are worked out and there’s no ambiguity left, everything gets easier if you just start out having the tough conversations.

When you have two strong independent sisters coming together who are friends who are leaders in their own industries and when they come into the sisterhood, its not like one is trying to lead the other and I think that when you appreciate your sister, you don’t want to take advantage of her and you honor and respect what she’s doing because you anticipate, she will honor and respect you equally.

Crystal shares that she and Alibaba never had finance issues ever. Everyone was raised in a different household that is why some people will say it to you “can I buy 15 mins. Of your time” and other people were raised in a household where the parents walked around talking about getting over on other whatever it is has gone into their heads and that’s why they believe things should be the way that they are. If you borrow money from people, pay it back cause if you pay it back, you can always go back to them. In our community a lot of times we think that if we borrow money from somebody and the person we borrow money from has money, we don’t have to pay them back because they don’t need their money.

At that stage in her life, she has Alibaba, they have been friends for years and years. She has had situations where people approach her like they want to be friends but whenever they call its not a girlfriend call, its a back door way to get at her expertise but she stops them the moment she notices it happening. She hasn’t always been good at it but she learned how to do it, she practiced.

Grown women and grown women seeking to have close female relationships and the whole topic of money must be discussed and you’re right, a woman who is doing her business should not be shunned especially by a woman who is not doing her business. Cause people can’t take advantage of you if you stop it.

There are relationships that were meaningful that got messed up behind money and they miss their friend because the relationship went in the wrong direction because of money and because is a difficult topic to discuss. Marriage is breakable over money so you know friendships can go in opposite directions and people don’t want to talk about it. What happens is you know one stops calling the other and then the next thing you know, you’re not hanging out anymore and you’re not talking anymore and if somebody asks hey I haven’t seen you and you’re girl, well you know, she’s busy I’m busy when the truth is there’s an underlying money issue.

One of the things and this is might seem like a small thing is Tipping. When the whole bunch of women get together and go out And what happens is the bill comes and people start nickel and dime what they bought, what they drank, what somebody else drank and most of the time they think that they take what they bought, they add it up, they don’t add the tax. When you are a friend with someone that implies you’re not expecting them to be like you and you have to be tolerant and patient with other people’s shortcomings as they’re working to develop their personality.

This is a grown woman conversation. This is about being better and what we’re talking about today is not simply being an acquaintance. Not simply being a colleague and not simply being some kind of a friend. This is how you are working to be better and one way to work to be better is to really honor your friend don’t seek to take advantage of your friend, appreciate your friend and at the same time you can do that when you feel better about yourself then you can do that because you can hold your own ground and say you know what.

 

Yes, you can quote our “Pearls of Wisdom”

We should not give away our time as free when it really needs to be paid – Cecelia GreeneBarr

You can’t be a leader if you are afraid to have a tough conversation – Crystal A. Wright

When you appreciate your sister, you don’t want to take advantage of her. You honor and respect what she’s doing because you anticipate that she will honor and respect you equally – Cecelia GreeneBarr

Stop bragging to everybody about what you have and people will stop trying to take it from you – Crystal A. Wright

You have to be tolerant and patient with other people’s shortcomings as they’re working to develop their personality – Cecelia GreeneBarr

Call To Action:

  • Write down and practice some responses, in advance, for when your friends move into a commerce area during your friendship converstion, for which you really want to be paid for what you do.

Links:

Cecelia GreeneBarr – www.ceceliagreenebarr.com
Twitter: @drgreenebarr

Crystal A. Wright
crystal@crystalwrightlive.com
www.CrystalWrightLive.com
www.facebook.com/CrystalWright
www.instagram.com/crystalwrightlive
www.twitter.com/crystalawright
www.youtube.com/user/crystalwrightlive